Well, I decided it was time for another Bonanza post! Haven't had one of those in a while and I know that some of you out there also remember watching this show, back in the day. The other night I was sitting on the couch all by my lonesome self (kids in bed, Neil sick and in bed too) and since we STILL don't have a TV I wanted to enjoy my campari and grapefruit juice while being entertained by the four Cartwrights. I settled on an episode called "The Savage", one of the really early ones (filmed in 1960). The episode summary reads like this:
"Adam rides up on some Indians wanting to harm a white woman they believed was a mountain spirit. He kills them but not before they wound him. The woman nurses him back to health but the rest of the tribe is still out there looking for her."
All right then, bring it on.
Sadly, this episode turned out to be one of those that is funny for all the wrong reasons. And while usually it is at least Pernell Robert's acting that saves the day, in my humble opinion this wasn't one of his most stellar performances either. That ridicilous headband he was sentenced to wear was probably too tight. Or he found Heidi's (more on Heidi later) accent annoying. Or, well into the second season of Bonanza, he got an inkling that the scripts just wouldn't get any better and he'd be stuck with them for another 4 years. We'll just never know.
Anyway, if you want to watch it, several folks uploaded the complete episode to youtube. If you don't want to watch, I have a summary for you that I came across. I about busted a gut when I saw this; it's a wonder I didn't wake any of my sleeping beauties upstairs.
The episode begins with these two geniuses wondering why there are two spears with red fabric on them stuck in the ground. Maybe it's a sign post. Maybe it's to mark buried treasure. Maybe, just maybe, it's a warning. Nah!
Looks like it was a warning. If they'd only read the fluttering fabric they would have seen the message.
Warning! Restricted Area next 50 miles! Spirit Woman somewhere!
A Shoshone shaman (say that 5 times fast!) named Chato tells his boys to forget the dead white dudes. Instead they need to go find the mysterious Spirit Woman and not to come home without her. Gee - I hope they packed some sandwiches! Chato also tells them not to worry - the Mardi Gras beads will keep them safe.
After that riveting opening, the scene changes to the Ponderosa. Hoss hears bellowing coming
from the house and is surprised to see that Joe's out on the porch. That's
odd - Joe's usually in the same room when Pa's bellowing. When Hoss asks what's
going on, Joe says Adam's getting chewed out for wanting to go back to school
to get his Master's degree.
Since Ben must have turned the
volume down a notch on his bellowing, Hoss and Joe decide to listen through
the open window.
Adam insists that checking out
Ira Fairbanks' windmill is part of his thesis research on the Architectural
Integrity of Alternative Energy Sources so he's really not planning this trip
for fun. Ben tells his eldest that he must be bonkers to want to look at a
stupid old windmill. Besides, there's cattle to be rounded up and none of the
ranch hands seem to be around.
Adam
gets a migraine and then throws a temper tantrum. Ben swears Adam gets that
temper from his mother's side of the family.
Ben finally decides that Adam
can go on his stupid windmill hunt. After all, one ranch hand might show up for
work. Adam decides to hit the road before Pa changes his mind and begins
bellowing again.
Joe and Hoss ask Adam where
he's going. Weren't they just listening at the window?? Adam tells them he's
going to Home Depot. They ask if they can come too. He says he's actually going
to the library and they're more than welcome to come along. Both of them say no
thanks - it's about time for SpongeBob to come on.
Adam's riding along, thinking
about windmills and how to tip them over, when he sees the mysterious marker. Hmm...Does
it mean windmills ahead? Could it be a warning? Nah.
Being the smart guy that he
is, Adam notices a man lying on the ground. He asks, "You okay? Hey, I'm
talking to you!" Adam decides the guy is sleeping.
While he's trying to wake the
dead guy up, he hears someone yelling for a spirit woman. Sounds like someone
forgot their cell phone. Adam decides to go check it out.
Adam left his binoculars on
his horse, so all he can see is some guy on a horse and someone dressed in yellow.
The guy on the horse keeps yelling Spirit Woman. The lady has struck a pose.
Wonder if she's a model?
How'd Heidi K(lum) get in this
episode? Is she the new spokesmodel for Spirit Woman perfume? Or is it a
clothing line?
The Indian with the groovy
magic beads insists she has to come back to his village because a lot of people
have swine flu and she's a healer. Heidi K says she's not going to any willage. The Indian guy
says he doesn't want her to come to his willage, he wants her to come to his
village. Heidi says she told him she's not going to any willage. The Indian guy
decides to drag her off to his wil...I mean Village, whether she wants to go or
not. Turns out she's got to get prepped for a fashion show and can't go
anywhere.
Adam
yells down for the Indian guy to leave the girl alone. Wonder if that's gonna
work?
While Adam is focused on the
Indian and the gal in the yellow sweater, the other Indian gets out his trusty
bow and arrow. Wonder how good his aim is.
The guy with Heidi hears Adam
yelling and threatens to toss his tomahawk. He's been practicing his tomahawk
toss while watching Atlanta Braves games. Someday, he hopes to be their mascot.
Let's see if he's got a good throwing arm.
BLAM! Turns out it doesn't
matter if he has a good throwing arm or not.
Since Adam doesn't see the guy
with the bow and arrow, he decides it's safe to climb down from the rocks.
Oopsie! Either the guy's aim isn't that good or the wind knocked the arrow off
course. Either way - owie, that poor knee!
Adam manages to shoot bow and
arrow guy and then falls gracefully to the earth. Ker-splat! I wonder how he
trains for something like this? By jumping off the barn into piles of hay? By
jumping off the roof onto mattresses? By watching Joe? I wonder how the judges
will score his landing?
U.S. judge: He managed to fall
with a minimum of arm flailing--8. Russian judge: He could've been more
graceful--5. Chinese judge: He should've included a somersault and a twist--2.
Adam fan club: He fell with so much grace! And he's got lots of boo-boos to fix.
I wanna make him better. No, I wanna make him better. Hey-let's all make him
better!! We give him a 15!
Heidi carefully approaches and
asks Adam who his coach is. She's thinking she could score more contracts if
she could add some moves like this in super-high heels. Silly Heidi runs off
when Adam asks for help, though. Hope she's off to call 9-1-1.
After Heidi leaves, Adam drags
himself over to a rock and passes out. He wakes up to see Heidi has returned.
She tells him her name is White Buffalo Woman and that she's in the witness
protection program. Shhhh!!
Then
she does surgery.
Adam moans, groans, and
suffers. Sigh. U.S. judge: He should've moaned more--7. Russian judge: He
should've groaned more--5. Chinese judge: You call that suffering? 1. Adam fan club:
Did you see those beads of sweat? How about the way his neck muscles stand out?
The moans and groans! We give him 15!!
After finishing surgery, White
Buffalo Woman (aka Heidi K), loads Adam onto her trailer. Wonder where she's
gonna take him?
... to be continued ...
... to be continued ...
Stay tuned.
